Babushka
by Gabumon Noodles
Summary: The Avengers celebrate Natasha's 84th birthday! What surprises await the world's greatest spy and deadliest assassin?


**My first Avengers fanfic! I've read so many good fics, and have seen that awesome movie, that I was inspired to write my own story and contribute to this rabid fandom! xD**

**I love Loki to death, but I don't have the time to dedicate myself to write an epic, thorough story on him. Though I wish I could. -.-**

Babushka

It started off like any other day in the Avengers mansion, formerly the Stark Tower. Tony Stark climbed out of bed to begin his morning with a swig of beer.

"Mornin', JARVIS," he mumbled after a few gulps. "What's goin' on today?"

"Good morning, sir. It is October 13, 2012."

The ever-polite computer system began reporting the time, weather, and various events currently happening around the globe. And for last, any personal highlights marked on Tony's calendar.

When Tony heard the last piece of news, his eyes lit up with interest.

"Really? I had no idea it was today. I better go call the guys. JARVIS! Sound the alarm!"

"But sir, I would not recommend it. The alarm is reserved for emergencies and crisis on a level of global threat-"

"Just do it, JARVIS. This is pretty damn important."

"Right away, sir."

The siren sounded throughout the Tower, including the individual levels built and furnished for each of Tony's teammates.

Thor leapt out of bed with Mjolnir in hand. He swaggered out in gusto, uttering battle cries and promises of feasting on Pop-Tarts after yet another day of glorious deeds.

Loki was showering and almost slipped in the bathtub. His bathroom rang with a snarling curse. He scrambled out to dress up so he wouldn't teleport naked.

Bruce Banner was quietly meditating. Then he jolted and looked like he wet himself. He fumbled for his glasses and ran out the hall.

Clint Barton, ever vigilant and ever ready, grabbed his arsenal of bow and arrows and dashed out of his room without a word.

Natasha...was nowhere to be found.

Tony waited for them at the circular meeting table.

"What is the matter, Man of Iron?" Thor boomed. "What urgency summons us to this gathering hall?"

Loki came in with a scowl on his pale face and black hair still wet from the shower. "I demand to know the reason for your calling at this horrendous and untimely hour."

Bruce looked unusually irritated. "This better be good. I was meditating when the alarm sounded. I nearly shit myself."

"Good to know, science bro."

Steve sighed. Tony was the only one who could get away with such comments without pissing off one of the most dangerous creatures on the planet.

"Guys!" Tony huffed. "Chill your tits and calm your asses, will you? It's not a _real_ emergency meeting. This is a _secret _emergency meeting."

At this, everyone relaxed considerably.

Bruce lightened up the quickest, and he chuckled. "Whatever is so secret, Tony?"

Thor beamed. "Ah, I know why. Is your lady with child?"

Tony's face was as red as his suit. "No, Thor! Jeez, you're so embarrassing! Pepper is _not _pregnant!"

Clint suppressed a laugh. "I'm surprised that she isn't by now."

Tony groaned. "That has nothing to do with this."

Thor threw up his hands in the air. "Then what in the Hel of Niflheim are we here for?"

"I concur." Loki remarked. He was still scowling. He sat in his chair with arms folded and shoulders hunched.

Clint finally halted the commotion with his quiet interjection. "It's Natasha's birthday today."

Five full seconds of silence reigned among the Avengers present. Then all at once, everyone quietly went "Ooooh..."

Tony folded his arms in disappointment. "Hmph. I was gonna be the one to spill the beans."

"Hey, where is she anyway?" Steve inquired.

"Espionage in Russia." Clint replied. "Got some business with mafia guys trafficking drugs in Moscow."

Tony clapped his hands together. "Perfect! The gangsters can keep her busy while we set up the party. I call getting the cake! I love buying cakes. Or anything sweet for that matter. I'll buy 27 candles!"

"Uh, Tony-"

"And every candle will be big fat Roman numerals that'll be set up Red Square style!"

"Tony-"

"And maybe we can stick in the Kremlin in the middle."

"Tony Stark!"

"And I'll order seven different flavors! Natasha's is the biggest portion, of course. It'll be strawberry red like her hair-"

"TONY EFFIN' STARK!"

"What, Clint? There's one thing I hate more than repeating myself, and that's being interrupted while making party plans!"

"Natasha is _not_ 27."

Tony threw a confused glance at the archer assassin. "Wait. She's not?"

"No, she isn't."

"But she looks exactly like Scarlett Johansson. And Scarlett is 27. So with my superior skills in mathematics and logical calculations, I'd say she's-"

"Natasha. Is not. 27. She's way older than that."

Tony threw up his hands in exasperation. "Well, then. What year was she born?"

"1928. Now put your 'superior skills' to use."

Tony's brow furrowed as he subtracted 2012 from 1928 in his head. His eyes widened. "Holy crap. You're telling me she's turning 84 this year?"

Steve also looked shocked. "She's that old? Wow. Guess that's why she knows so much about the Cold War when she explained it to me."

Bruce adjusted his glasses. "But how does she look so young after all these years?"

Tony raised a hand. "Maybe she's a Russian vampire. Considering she's a spy with a forged identity surrounded by secrets and all, that may as well be true." He laughed at his own joke.

It was Clint who answered. "I'll put it this way. She was given the Captain America treatment...via years of psychological torture and brainwashing by the Soviet Union."

No one spoke for a few seconds. Tony looked as if he regretted his joke. He smiled awkwardly. "So uh...the cake! I'll go get it. And after that, Cap and I are going to Russia!"

"Russia? What for?"

"To get her a gift, duh. And maybe bring in some cuisine for authenticity. You've been there, right?"

"Once or twice. Over sixty years ago." Steve replied wryly.

"Good enough."

"We're not going to Moscow, are we? Because that would be stupid."

Tony looked offended. "Puh-leeze, Cap. I'm not _that_ stupid. Why we would we go there and get caught by the birthday girl? No, we need to go somewhere with more Russian flavor."

"Yeah, like where?"

"Hey, JARVIS!"

The always-present computerized butler replied, "How may I be of assistance, sir?"

"Find me a village in Russia with the longest name you can't hope to pronounce."

Steve rolled his eyes. A holographic map of Russia appeared before them as JARVIS searched for the query suited to Tony's...needs.

JARVIS presented the satellite location and various photos of the town. "Novokuznetsk. Located in Russia, 300 miles from Moscow. This village features a small, quaint community known for dedication to creating authentic Russian crafts-"

"Yeah, that'll do. Store the data in my phone. Coordinates and everything."

Steve shook his head and massaged the bridge of his nose. "You're hopeless."

"By the way, we're taking a private jet. Flying by Quinjet would be glaringly obvious."

"What can the rest of us do, Man of Iron?" Thor inquired.

Normally, everyone would turn to Steve for leadership and guidance. But 'normal' meant global catastrophes and emergencies. This was a party plan, and Tony was the self-proclaimed guru in the matter. Tony loved every opportunity he could get to take charge.

"Clint can stay in the Tower and tidy things up. Pepper will pitch in too. Thor and Loki can head back to Asgard and fetch some nice otherworldly goodies to decorate the Tower."

"A splendid idea!" Thor shouted. "Along the way, we could also get gifts for Lady Natasha."

Loki didn't look very excited. But he followed Thor anyway as the God of Thunder grabbed him by the arm and towed him out of the room. A few moments later, everyone heard the Bifrost whisk the two away to their realm.

Tony pumped a fist in the air. "All right, Avengers! Let's get to it!"

He and Steve headed upstairs to a Stark Industry private jet while Clint asked JARVIS to contact Pepper.

Xx0xX

Five hours had passed since Tony's secret meeting. Clint didn't look forward to the decorating at first. He suggested to JARVIS and Pepper that instead of sugarcoating the entire Avengers mansion with decorations, they would concentrate it in the gym for the element of surprise. And for convenience. They liked the idea, and decorations were done shortly before noon.

Thor and Loki returned to Earth around the same time. Clint heard them arriving via Thor unleashing a loud burp as he burst through the gym doors.

"Ah, what a satisfying meal!" he boomed. "My father had greeted us with a fabulous feast and the biggest boar I had ever laid my eyes on!"

"Looks like someone had a pretty good lunch," Clint remarked.

Loki seemed less grumpy, now he had his usual expression of aloof indifference. "After witnessing Thor's boar binge, I may have to go vegetarian for a few days."

Pepper laughed at that. "Good afternoon, you two. What are those in your hands? Presents for the birthday girl?"

Thor held aloft his large box with pride. "Yes indeed, Lady Pepper. I believe that Lady Natasha will enjoy it immensely."

Loki too brought a present. Unlike Thor's, which was large, white and overdecorated with gold ribbons, Loki's was dark, slim and devoid of ostentatious decorations.

Clint gestured to a purple wrapped box on the counter. "You guys can put your presents next to mine."

Loki inspected Clint's gift curiously. "What are you giving her this year?"

"Not telling you. Nat will definitely get a kick out of it, though."

"When will the Man of Iron and Warrior of America return from the land of Russia?" Thor inquired.

"Tony Stark and Agent Barton have just arrived, sir."

It took Thor a good ten seconds, and Loki's explanation, to realize it was just JARVIS.

Tony entered the gym carrying a bottle-shaped object wrapped in gold and red. Steve followed behind with heavy boxes in tow.

"Hey baby!" Tony hooted to Pepper. "Look who's back from the good ol' Motherland!"

They exchanged a quick, affectionate kiss. Pepper gave Steve a smile and a curious stare. "Hey, Steve. What's that you got there?"

"Food from Russia. Our dinner."

"Wow. All that survived the flight?"

"Yup. Portable, plugless fridges sure come in handy. Now, Pepper...time for the woman's touch."

"What woman's touch?"

"Heating up the food and making it look like a presentable gourmet dinner, of course!"

"Yeah, I figured. I'll get to it."

"Oh, don't take the cake. Everything else can go to the kitchen."

Pepper lightened the load off of Steve's hands, while the Captain handled the cake box carefully and set it a few feet away from the presents. About twenty minutes later, Bruce showed up with a small, rectangular present. He looked as if he had rushed to the spot. He adjusted his glasses and smoothed out his ruffled hair anxiously.

"I didn't come too late, did I?"

"Not at all, science bro!" Tony replied cheerfully. "The party's just getting started! Well, the setup, that is. Want to help Pepper prepare the food?"

Bruce's face beamed. "Sure. There's one thing I like just as much as having fun with chemistry, and that's having fun with exotic food!"

After depositing his gift, he left to assist Pepper. The Avengers spent the next hour making finishing touches to the decorated and lavished gym. Clint, Thor and Loki did most of the work hauling away the punching bags, weights and mats. Tony pretended to help him and multi-tasked between that and communicating with Pepper via his suit's communication system.

"Pepper? How's it going in the kitchen?"

"Just a few more minutes and the food will be ready. Bruce has been a great help."

"Awesome. Everything's going swell. What could go wrong?"

Then JARVIS spoke. "Sir? Agent Romanoff is approximately 50 square feet from the premises of the Avengers mansion."

Tony's eyes looked like they would pop out of its sockets. "_What_? She's back in the States already? _Shit_! Quick, you guys! Distract her! O-or something!"

Loki was the first out the door. "I will go!"

Thor trailed after him. "And I shall join you, brother!"

Steve exhaled in relief. Loki was the God of Mischief, the Trickster, the Father of Lies. He would be suitable in distracting the intelligent Russian agent. Then Steve thought of Thor, and his heart sunk. He hoped that Loki would keep his adopted brother from spilling anything and doing stupid things in general. He sighed as he returned to removing the last of the punching bags. No promises...

Xx0xX

Natasha Romanoff, agent of SHIELD and former bounty hunter-mercenary-assassin of the Soviet Union, felt like crap.

After long hours of going undercover, pretending to a drug-snorting prostitute in the midst of highly wanted hit men and gangsters, she had had enough for a day.

She barely made through the debriefing with Director Fury at the Helicarrier. She did not feel like returning to the Avengers mansion by car, so she took the subway. Natasha sighed in relief as she saw the mansion in sight. Just a few blocks and intersections away, and she was on her way to bed.

Loki walked up smoothly to her with a confident stride. He gave her a pleasant smile and dipped his head to her.

"Good afternoon, Agent Romanoff."

She raised an eyebrow. "Same to you. What's with the outfit?"

Loki grandly gestured to the clear sky. "A fine day like this should be accompanied with fine attire. Don't you agree?"

Natasha scrutinized the God of Mischief carefully. "What are you up to, Loki?"

"I was heading out for a stroll. Care to join me, Miss Romanoff?"

"Thanks, but no thanks. I just got back from Moscow kicking mafia ass. Now I'm dead tired and I want a nap."

"Then why not do so at Central Park? The sun feels quite warm and pleasant when you sleep outdoors."

Natasha raised an eyebrow. "I thought you hate the sun. You know, with you being a Frost Giant and all."

"Only in the summer, my dear. Thankfully my least favorite season is over."

"Good to know. Enjoy your walk."

Natasha made to step past Loki, but Thor barred her way with outstretched arms.

"Please reconsider, Lady Natasha. If you insist on a nap, then we shall carry you in our arms and you can rest on our way to that lovely New York glen."

Loki rolled his eyes. "We? There is no we in this. _You_ can go on carrying her bridal style if you want."

Apparently the brothers found this funny as they exchanged laughs and amused expressions. Natasha was getting impatient.

"Guys. I really just want to sleep. Now go away."

Natasha tried to move around them a second time. And she folded her arms when Loki stopped her.

"How about going out for that drink? 'Coffee,' I believe? That tavern with the green two-tailed siren provides a very refreshing and energetic-oof!"

Natasha proceeded to take him completely by surprise with a sucker punch to the face. A sharp roundhouse kick to his knees swept him over. He hit the ground with his back ungraciously. Before Thor could realize what happened, Natasha did the same to him.

Though far from seriously injured, the Asgardians were too shocked to get up. Natasha stormed past them and headed for the Avengers mansion without a second glance.

Now she was pissed. And when she was pissed, she can't go to sleep. When she can't go to sleep, she goes to the gym to beat the hell out of a punching bag. When she beats the hell out of a punching bag, only then would she get tired and find the excuse to hit the bed. All along the way she muttered curses in English and Russian. When she was done swearing in the ten languages she knew, she made incomprehensible sounds of frustration instead. She began blaming everything that contributed to what could possibly be the worst day in a while.

"Stupid mission. Stupid mafia. Stupid Thor. Stupid Loki_. Bozhe moi_!"

Steaming and fuming like a freight train at full speed, she kicked open the gym doors.

"Surprise!"

Bruce, Clint, Pepper and Tony sprang out from their hiding places to greet a very startled Natasha.  
Pepper wasted no time taking pictures of Natasha's face with one of Tony's expensive cameras. Natasha looked around the gym in bewilderment. She hardly recognized it with the decorations. Along the table were many wrapped gifts, a large cake box and plates of hot, delicious food.

"W-what...?"

Clint chuckled. "Did you forget that it's your birthday today?"

Natasha blinked several times. "Guess I did..."

Thor and Loki came through the gym doors. Their clothes and hair looked rumpled from their skirmish with the deadly Russian agent.

Tony gave the Asgardians a thumbs up. "Great job, guys. We had enough time to get ready. Barely."

Natasha turned to them. "You were stalling?"

Loki shrugged. "More or less."

"Sorry for beating you up, then."

"No worries."

"Apology accepted, Lady Natasha! Let us move on with the festivities!"

The Avengers and Pepper proceeded to have dinner. Plates of delectable Russian cuisine lined the tables and whet their appetites.

Pepper assumed the role of both server and hostess as she provided dishes for everyone. Tony and Thor dug in without a second thought. Clint and Steve went ahead with less vigor and more manners. Bruce took the time to mutter a little prayer of thanks. Natasha stared at her dish for a long time.

Tony stopped the laden fork halfway to his mouth when he noticed her. He looked nervous. "Er...Nat? Something wrong?"

"This is pelmeni...traditional Russian dumplings..."

"Oh, you don't like that stuff? I could get you something el-"

"No, it's fine. It's just...I haven't had this dish since I was a child. Of all the times I've had missions in Russia, I never stop to enjoy the local food."

Natasha seemed lost in her thoughts as she slowly ate. Her eyes glazed over in a distant haze, as if trying to remember what was left of her childhood all those years ago. The Avengers kept the volume of their conversations to a respectable low, so they could let Natasha fully appreciate the cuisine of her native country.

Tony waited until everyone finished their food. Then he rapped the table for attention. "And now...it is time to sing Happy Birthday!"

Steve uncovered the box and presented the cake before Natasha. Surrounded by six loud, offtune singing superheroes (who completely drowned out Pepper, the only decent singer) was possibly the most embarrassing thing Natasha has ever heard. Nevertheless, she smiled throughout the entire song.

"Happy birthday to yoou! Happy birthday to yooou! Happy birthday, dear Natashaaaa! Happy birthday to yooooou!"

Thor's voice rose to a ridiculously high note toward the end. Everyone clapped and Loki cast a spell to make confetti burst out and rain down upon them.

Natasha was given the knife.

"You go, Nat! Cut that cake like a bitch!" Tony shouted.

After the dramatic first cut, and pictures taken by Pepper, Natasha offered to cut slices and serve everybody. As promised, Tony had the cake in seven different flavors: mint for Loki, vanilla for Thor, key lime for Bruce, marble for Steve, mousse for Clint, devil's food for himself, and strawberry for Natasha.

After the cake, Tony announced the next item on the to-do list for this evening. "Presents! The best part!"

Everyone eagerly surrounded Natasha as she moved to the spot where all the presents lay in a neatly assembled fashion.

Clint's present was the first to be opened. It was a weapon, of course. But not quite. Foamy, orange Nerf bullets replaced the real ones.

Natasha's eyebrows rose. "A red and black Pyragon Nerf gun...sweet."

"I knew you would dig it."

"Wait...this isn't even officially released yet."

"That's the best part, Nat. You got access to the sneak peek."

"How did you manage to get your hands on this?"

"Let's just say I've got connections in high places."

"Yeah, like Nerf employees."

Clint said nothing, but his smirk grew even wider. It was cute, seeing that Natasha was trying to hide her fangirling over a top-secret Nerf gun.

She was reluctant to set it down and move on to the next present. "How about a few rounds after presents?"

"I'm in." Clint replied.

"Not in the gym, right?"

"Of course not, Pepper. I wouldn't be so heartless as to destroy your decorations. The entire mansion will be our battleground."

The closest present to Clint's Nerf gun was Bruce's. It looked and felt like a book. When Natasha unwrapped it, her guess was confirmed. It was beautifully embossed tome, complete with nicely aged pages and a calligraphic script she couldn't understand. Bruce slightly stuttered as he attempted to explain.

"Er, it's all in Hindi, but it has lots of pictures on all kinds of ancient Indian weapons, and how to use them in combat. They're so strange and exotic…I thought you'd might like learning about it."

Natasha leafed through the pages, many of which captured her interest. She particularly liked the Indian throwing chakram, the claw daggers and the wrist knife. "Thank you, Bruce. I will certainly enjoy reading this book."

He beamed and smiled sheepishly. "You're welcome."

The next present was the bottle-shaped object. Natasha unwrapped it to reveal a smooth, porcelain doll that looked handpainted and glass-blown. Everyone made low ooohs at the pretty object. Natasha lifted it up, and to her surprise she heard a soft slosh. She found that there were clasps on the side of the glass doll. She unhinged them...to reveal a bottle of vodka.

Natasha slowly turned to Tony with a raised eyebrow. "You gave me...a vodka-sized babushka doll?"

"Huh, that's what they're called?"

Natasha resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "You don't know what a babushka is, do you?"

"Nope!" he declared proudly.

"A babushka is an old Russian lady. A grandma."

"Well, that just makes the gift all the more appropriate!"

"Tony!" Steve exclaimed.

"What? She's 84! She's _old_!"

Bruce slapped a hand over his face.

"I cannot fathom why you are courting Lady Pepper." Thor remarked. "Your skills with women are atrocious!"

Loki snorted in laughter. "You could say that again."

Even Pepper couldn't restrain a chuckle.

Natasha inspected the giant hollow babushka doll carefully. She looked impressed. "This is authentic. Did you actually go to Russia and buy this?"

"Yup! Steve picked it!"

Steve blushed. "I didn't know there would be vodka inside."

"I'm curious. Where did you get it?"

Tony frowned. "Er...Novokublehbleh.."

"Novokuznetsk?"

"Yeah, whatever. It was a cute little town."

"I believe that villagers outside of cities tend to speak exclusively Russian. How did you manage to...buy this?"

Tony held up his phone. "JARVIS is a godsend. Works miracles better than Google Translate. You should've seen the look on that old guy's face when I showed him."

Natasha put her hands to her hips. "So who actually got me the gift?"

Steve shuffled his feet. "Well...all of us, I guess. I picked the design, Tony had the money and JARVIS...'bought' it."

The redhead assassin made an amused grin. "I see. I suppose I'll thank the three of you."

Tony and Steve replied sheepishly. "You're welcome."

JARVIS chimed in. "You are very welcome, Agent Romanoff."

Pepper's gift to Natasha was an expensive cosmetic set from Sephora.

"In case you need to look pretty for those undercover missions of yours." Pepper said with a knowing grin.

Thor clapped his hands eagerly. "Loki's gift is next! Open it, Lady Natasha!"

Natasha looked wary as she held the present in her hands.

Loki gave her a reassuring grin. "There are definitely no snakes in there."

Natasha held her breath, and so did everyone else, as she unwrapped it. She expected some sort of magic trick, a hex, a jinx...some sort of spell that either intended to scare her silly or reveal that he had nothing to give her at all.

She was wrong. Inside the box was a peculiar piece of clothing. It was mostly black with red and blue. Her fingers brushed the fabric, which felt both durable and light. It seemed to have a functional design, and it resembled ski clothing. Yet the engraved marks throughout the clothing were intricate and strangely beautiful. She had no idea what the hell it was. A tunic of some sort...?

"What...is it?"

"Frost Giant under-armor." Loki replied promptly. "Young Jotuns are vulnerable to the cold. They have yet to grow enough skin necessary to protect them. This helps them keep warm from the severely cold and frigid weather of Jotunheim. I thought it would benefit you whenever you travel to your own freezing homeland."

She spread out the tunic and held it to her chest. "I'm guessing that young Jotuns are basically my size, huh?"

Loki nodded. "I...also had it trimmed for you. So it would fit in neatly with that black battle-suit of yours. With just that under-armor, you would never have to wear another Midgardian coat again."

Natasha looked to the Trickster God in gratified surprise. "Thanks, Loki. It's very thoughtful of you."

Loki smiled in embarrassment, which looked more like a grimace. "Didn't think I was capable of such sentiment, huh?"

Thor was grinning from ear to ear. "Brother, I am moved by your show of consideration for Lady Natasha."

Tony smirked. "Let's give him a good ol' team hug, everybody!"

Loki shied away and grimaced as his new teammates engulfed him with a big group hug. When they moved away, Loki's glare seemed to soften. He obviously appreciated it, though he didn't want to show it.

The God of Thunder reached out into the table and brought forth a large, wrapped box. "And now, Lady Natasha...open my gift to you!"

Natasha carefully pulled apart the gold silk ribbons and the glossy white wrapping paper. Everyone's mouths dropped open. Including Natasha's. Tony loudly whistled. Pepper gushed like a girl shopping for prom night.

"Wow, Natasha! What a beautiful dress! It would look great on you!"

The dress was remarkably iridescent, long and flowing. Natasha held it to her chest, checking out the length and carefully touching the fabric.

"It is Gleipnir woven a thousand times over to create a dress just for you!" Thor exclaimed proudly.

Tony scratched his head. "What's a Gleipnir?"

Loki opened his mouth, but Thor cut him off. "I can explain, brother. I remember this time. Gleipnir is a legendary chain forged by dwarves. It is composed of a woman's beard, the breath of a fish, the spittle of a bird and the roots of a mountain!"

Everyone stared at Thor as if he grew a third eye in the middle of his forehead.

Natasha looked as perplexed as the rest of her teammates. "So... let me get this straight. My dress is made of a woman's beard, the breath of a fish, the spittle of a bird and the roots of a mountain."

"Quite right, Lady Natasha!"

Tony frowned. "But how is that possible? Isn't that...impossible?"

Thor shook his head. "Not impossible. Just magical ingredients that are extremely hard to find."

"Huh. I'll say."

Natasha gave the God of Thunder an appreciative glance. "That's actually pretty cool. Thank you, Thor."

"The pleasure is all mine."

Natasha blinked then squeezed her eyes shut as Thor gave her a big bear hug.

Tony had been on his phone for a few seconds, then he showed it to Loki. "According to Wikipedia, Gleipnir was used to chain your crazy wolf son!"

Loki did not look amused. "I have no children, Stark. Let alone a 'crazy wolf son.'"

"But it says it right here! You are the father of a giant snake, a giant wolf and a half-dead goddess of the underworld because you got it on with a Frost Giant. Oh, and you also have a normal wife and two normal sons. That's one hell of a family you got there."

Loki blinked. He remained silent for a few seconds. Then he said, "This Wikipedia lies even more than me."

Tony held up his hands and shook his head. "Amen, brother. Anyone can edit this shit."

Everyone laughed along. Shortly after the presents, Natasha changed into the dress given by Thor and a dance party ensued. A single command to JARVIS activated the strobe lights and turned on the surround sound stereos. Tony poured vodka for his teammates and everyone managed to jam to the music without spilling their glasses.

The playlist contained a mix of songs and various musical tastes of the Avengers: classic 40's songs from Steve, the Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack from Bruce, rickrolling from Loki, R&B from Clint, Black Sabbath metal jams from Tony and...Happy Feet music from Thor.

"That song called 'Jai Ho'...I like it! Another!" Thor declared.

Natasha took turns dancing with each of her teammates. Steve came first, because he needed the dance more than anyone could hope to understand. The look of joy on his face when he danced with Natasha was unforgettable. And so was his bewilderment when Frank Sinatra abruptly switched to Usher's "Yeah!"

Clint tried to show Loki, Thor and Steve some contemporary dance moves. The God of Mischief caught on quicker than his peers. Now he was jamming, moonwalking and gyrating on the dance floor like a pro.

During the Black Sabbath and Metallica songs, Tony was headbanging so hard that Natasha thought his head would pop off at any moment.

When the Happy Feet rendition of Boogie Wonderland played, Thor tapped to the beat like Mumble from the movie. Everyone couldn't help but clap and laugh at the sight. Thor was certainly having a good time.

Eventually, everyone winded down and wanted to take a break. JARVIS gradually muted the music and slowed the strobe lights. Clint dashed out of the gym, and returned a few minutes later with Nerf guns for everyone.

"Nerf gun fight!" he declared. "Since there's eight of us, let's split into two teams of four. Thor, Loki, Pepper and Tony will be on one team, and Bruce, Steve, Natasha and I will be on-"

Tony looked indignant. "Hey, hold your horses! You and Natasha together on a team? You'll slaughter us all!"

"That's the point," Clint retorted with a sly smirk.

Tony made an x with two fingers. "No assassin team-ups! That's a no-no! Besides, Nat's got the best gun among us. She should be in her own team."

Pepper huffed. "We can't just gang up on her. That wouldn't be fair either."

Steve raised his hands to calm down the team. "All right guys, how about this? Team One will consist of me, Thor, Natasha and Bruce. Team Two will have Tony, Pepper, Clint and Loki. There, the teams are balanced out."

Tony nodded in approval. "For once, I agree with you. Sounds good to me!"

"Team One's base will be here," Steve continued. "Team Two is up at the penthouse."

"Sweet!" the billionaire hooted. Then he winked. "May the odds ever be in your favor!"

Pepper shook her head as she followed her team out the door. "Tony, I think you've been at the theater too many times watching the Hunger Games."

Natasha changed from the mythical dress into her catsuit. When the Nerf gun fight began, it was pandemonium. The Avengers fought as if it was another Chitauri invasion. Clint fired his gun with ridiculously deadly accuracy. He sniggered as he hit a roaring Thor.

Like the troll that he is, Loki would teleport out of sight, reappear from behind and nail the opposing team. His clones would also confuse the hell out of them. At every shot he would say "Loki'd!"

Bruce was a nervous wreck. He fired at any moving shadow, and yelped in surprise whenever he got hit. He spent most of his time huddling out of sight, trying to steady his breathing and hammering heart.

Steve was ever the resourceful soldier. He took care not to waste his rounds, and even used the gun to deflect Nerf bullets on more than one occasion.

Pepper actually kept up with the Earth's Mightiest Heroes. Her common sense and invaluable knowledge of the entire Avengers mansion layout saved her many times.

Thor was nothing short of a medieval berserker. With no thoughts of hiding or taking cover, he charged like a bull and swung his gun like a mace. "For Asgard!" he bellowed.

Natasha was quite the opposite. She crept and slunk around like a black cat, shooting and ducking for cover all at once. The Pyragon was indeed a deadly weapon in her hands; she certainly took advantage of its ability to fire sound-suppressed multiple rounds.

Tony stormed around like an aggressive trooper from Halo. He made shooting sounds every time he fired some rounds, and sometimes grumbled as he roamed the floors.

"Damn it…how hard could it be to find a redhead and shoot her? Ow!"

A bullet hit his cheek, and Tony cursed as Natasha darted out of sight. He tried to redeem the sting of humiliation by firing at Thor. The game continued for half an hour until everyone ran out of bullets, or were too exhausted to continue. They retreated to the gym, sweating and panting.

"Wait…" Bruce wheezed. "Did we even make up the rules about which team would win?"

An awkward silence reigned. Tony waved a hand dismissively. "Pfff, whatever. Rules schmules. It was all in good fun."

Steve raised an eyebrow. "I'm surprised that you of all people are saying that. You're just a sore loser."

Tony crossed his arms. "Am not! I bet everyone else got nailed by Natasha too!"

Bruce shook his head. "Not Clint. Did you see him and Natasha duke it out on the second floor? Twenty-four bullets and neither of them managed to hit each other."

Natasha smirked. "It's a tie. For now."

She watched as her teammates continued to relate the crazy things that happened during their all-out gun fight. Tony, Pepper, Steve, Bruce, Clint, Thor...even Loki and JARVIS. All of them pitched in to make this night possible just for her.

"Hey, Nat. Are you all right?"

She looked up to see Clint talking to her, and everyone staring at her. She gave them an unusually warm smile. To everyone's utter surprise, Natasha appeared to be close to crying.

"Thank you, everyone. I've had such a good time. This has to be the best birthday ever."

**So I started out with silly humor and ended up with warm and touchy fluff. :3 It's a turn for the better, I suppose. I also didn't expect this to be so long for a one-shot lol.**

**I had no idea when exactly Nat's birthday was, so I picked October because one of her code names was Oktober in the comics. So October it is.  
**

**The 'chill your tits' and 'calm your ass' quotes are frequently said by my friends. I just had to include it in Tony's lexicon.**

**Thor's dress is based off of the magical chain meant to bind the wolf Fenrir in Norse mythology.**

**I hope you guys enjoyed it and thought it was funny in some parts! :)**


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